A major music festival is makin' plans to expand // APRIL FOOLS' EDITION
Plus: Chase eyes Dilworth; Bank of America Stadium renovations to begin; Atrium to offer groundbreaking brain procedure; Police investigate south Charlotte fraud ring; UNC Charlotte quantum physics
EDITOR’S NOTE [added 4/2/25, 12:25 a.m.]: This is an April Fools’ Day edition of The Charlotte Ledger. THESE ARTICLES ARE NOT REAL.
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Lovin’ Life signs deal to add variations of its successful concerts nationwide; Charlotte lands fall fest catering to middle-aged demographic
The Lovin’ Life Music Festival is expandin’ the love across the country.
Concert producer Southern Entertainment announced Monday that it signed a three-year, $15M licensing deal to spin off the Lovin’ Life brand, with concerts tailored to fit each market — including another major new live music fest right here in the Queen City that’s aimed at, shall we say, a more seasoned audience.
The inaugural Lovin’ Life drew more than 85,000 concert-goers to the fringe of uptown last year, generating more than $30M in economic impact. The second installment drops in early May.
The first expansion of the Lovin’ Life concert brand will be “Toleratin’ Life” at The Bowl in Ballantyne. Toleratin’ Life is loosely based on the “Barely Hanging On Fest” in Pittsburgh, which last year drew a diverse crowd of 45,000 united by a weekend of music and the desire to escape the perpetual feeling of being emotionally drained by life’s responsibilities.
The Toleratin’ Life lineup announced Monday will be:
Headliner Wheezer anchoring the TruGreen Lawn Care stage
“The Voice” Season 21 runner-up Probiotic Youth on the Great Clips stage
Indie pop pioneer Both Eyes Blind on the Pet Supplies Plus stage
Bluegrass sensation Mama Loo and the Possum Parade on the Blackhawk Hardware stage
Beach music legends Descendents of the Band of Oz on Visit Beaufort South Carolina stage
The festival will wrap up by 6 p.m. each day to give attendees enough time to eat and digest an early dinner before bed. Organizers are eyeing a date in late September, when it typically is not unbearably hot, not too cold and before travel soccer really kicks into high gear.
Attendees of last year’s Barely Hanging On Fest in Pittsburgh enjoyed a break from work and family drama with a lineup of musical artists as well as robust wifi. (Video courtesy of Barely Hanging On Fest/Last Nerve Productions)
Lawn chairs, judgment tank access for VIPs: Exceptional VIP Passes will run $1,700 for a three-day pass and include cushioned lawn chairs, complimentary fiber supplements, self-serve Icy Hot stations, branded ear plugs and private napping cabanas equipped with white noise sound machines. The VIP passes also include priority access to “Gen Z Judgment Tanks” — believed to be the first of their kind outside of South America — in which members of Gen Z are suspended in repurposed dunk tanks while attendees critique their attire, social skills, life choices, work ethic and, where applicable, their comfort animals ($15 per judgment for non-VIP holders).
Organizers also announced that Toleratin’ Life’s local food lineup will feature some of the most “durable and time-tested” restaurants in the city, including Trio’s, Rusty’s Deli & Grille and Shun Lee Palace.
While the average Lovin’ Life attendee was a 15.5 year-old with 1,700 Instagram followers, the average Toleratin’ Life fan is expected to be 47 years old with 94 Instagram followers and 3.6 Facebook posts per week. While Lovin’ Life concert-goers were upbeat and enthusiastic, braving muddy fields and rain to enjoy the performers and post similar videos on Instagram, Toleratin’ Life attendees are expected not to tolerate any of that nonsense, according to market researchers.
The economic impact of Toleratin’ Life could really explode, organizers said, if talent agents reach agreements with Grammy-nominated artists Master Arthritik and Post-Menopause Malone.
Regardless, similar to Lovin’ Life, Toleratin’ Life will feature a lively concourse with corporate exhibitions and games:
Carolina Digestive Health Associates plans a “Colonoscopy Corner” for patients who can knock out their 24-hour prep cleanse while grooving to live music, with top-of-the-line Bose speakers embedded in each of the luxury Port-a-Johns so they won’t miss any of the action.
On the west end of the venue, Urology Specialists of the Carolinas is sponsoring The DJ Creaky Kneez Free Flow Dance Party offering “the world’s largest grassy area for awkward dancing for bank vice presidents,” according to promotional materials.
Toleratin’ Life is just the beginning of the nationwide expansion of the Lovin’ Life brand, which ringleader Bob Durkin playfully referred to as “Manifest Destiny’s Child.”
Other upcoming fests include:
“Spray Tannin’ Life” will hit Myrtle Beach in June 2026, with a first-of-its-kind Tattoo Chalet.
“Relocatin’ Life” will rock Highmark Stadium in Buffalo, New York, in the spring of 2026. Admission comes with a one-way, three-day 26’ U-Haul Truck rental and a QuikTrip voucher enabling the rest of Buffalo and Rochester to relocate anywhere within two miles of the new Wegmans in Ballantyne.
“Runnin’ Life” — the first music festival centered around a 10K — will feature stages on public roads all around Eastover, Myers Park and Dilworth the first Saturday in October — exploiting a loophole in City of Charlotte code allowing jogging groups to close all city streets monthly at their discretion.
From hot dogs to dog-friendly: JJ’s Red Hots to become new Pet-Friendly by Chase bank branch in Dilworth
New renderings from Chase Bank submitted to federal regulators show that it is planning to turn the former JJ’s Red Hots space on East Boulevard into its newest banking concept, Pet-Friendly by Chase. The new bank, to be across the street from the Fifth Third Bank that was a former Cantina 1511, will feature an open-air rooftop dog run and a complimentary beef marrow bone with the opening of a 6-month CD.
City-funded renovations to start at Bank of America Stadium; Phase 1 includes construction of enormous gold-plated vault
The Carolina Panthers plan to begin renovations of Bank of America Stadium this summer, and building permits reveal that the first phase of construction will consist of a gigantic gold-plated vault.
The custom-built vault, to be built near Mint Street, is expected to be large enough to hold a portion of owner David Tepper’s profits from the Carolina Panthers’ TV rights, sponsorship deals, luxury suites, parking fees, seat tickets and the sales of $16 beers. It will also hold the $650M in taxpayer money that is paying for vault construction and for several minor upgrades.
It is unclear if the Charlotte City Council approved the vault construction at a series of closed-door meetings, on an exclusive stadium tour or at a late-night Hofbrau Haus bender during a “business development” trip to Munich in November. The city clerk’s office says it will release the minutes of the vault approval vote by mid-2037 or the team’s next winning season, whichever comes last.
Plans for the vault were submitted to the city last summer but are still awaiting permitting approval. They show it could also double as a secret detention facility for Tepper dissidents including Jacksonville Jaguars fans, Observer sportswriter Scott Fowler and the owner of the Dilworth Neighborhood Grille.
Atrium Health strikes deal with Lumon Industries and Bank of America to offer revolutionary medical procedure to improve brain health
Atrium Health’s Kier Eagan Neurology Center of Excellence in Midtown will offer a new brain procedure renowned for its work-life benefits. (Photo courtesy of Atrium Health)
Atrium Health on Monday announced a first-of-its-kind partnership with microdata refinement giant Lumon Industries and Charlotte-based financial powerhouse Bank of America to offer the revolutionary severance procedure to eligible bank employees and select patients.
The companies said the collaboration marks a bold leap forward in workplace wellness, mental health innovation and productivity enhancement. The procedure surgically divides a person’s consciousness between their work and personal lives.
Under the agreement, Atrium Health will provide medical oversight and perform the procedure at the new Kier Eagan Neurology Center of Excellence. Bank of America is exploring severance as a voluntary program for certain roles within high-stress departments. Lumon will supply the technology and training and oversee ethical and compliance standards, said company spokeswoman Miss Huang.
Bank of America said the procedure will allow its team members to achieve true balance and would make them even less able to explain their jobs than non-severed bank employees.
In a related move, Atrium said it would discontinue a partnership with Netflix that offers lobotomies to patients in an attempt to boost viewership of “Love Is Blind.”
Police investigate south Charlotte money-laundering; Venmo and Zelle exchanges coded as ‘fun run donation’ and ‘cancer fundraiser,’ authorities say
The Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police financial crimes unit is investigating a suspected case of money-laundering, following a record-breaking exchange of money between two SouthPark moms who swapped the same $25 on Venmo and Zelle 317 times in the last decade.
Although the exchanges of money were labeled with innocuous-sounding descriptions including “fun run donation,” “Girl Scout cookies 🍪,” “cancer fundraiser,” and “senior sunrise 🙌 breakfast committee,” the authorities, who have no background in south Charlotte mom culture, speculate that the frequent exchanges must be a front for Venezuelan drug cartels, Russian arms dealers, or something.
As of press time, cryptologists were still trying to decode the hidden message in the Venmo comment: “Thanks for the support of the soccer club raffle!"
UNC Charlotte physicists postulate existence of alternate dimensions where CLT terminals are still miserable and overcrowded
In a groundbreaking presentation at the CERN particle physics laboratory in Geneva, a team of physicists from UNC Charlotte announced that there may be alternate universes similar to ours but where the American Airlines terminals at Charlotte’s airport remain “absolutely terrible.”
“In the multiverse, anything is possible,” explained lead researcher Dr. Thomas Lee. “You could be a billionaire. Or maybe you have two heads. Or maybe you were never even born. But in all our simulations, one thing was constant: the unyielding crush of people in Terminals B and C at the airport.”
A universe 28 billion light years away, captured here by the Hubble Space Telescope in 2022, still appears to have Japanese subway-like conditions on Terminals B and C, UNC Charlotte physicists say in a new report. (Photo courtesy of NASA)
Not all hope is lost however, as airport construction was completed in 0.0054% of simulations, and passengers’ ability to enter and exit the terminal easily was achieved in 0.027% of parallel universes, proving that such scenarios are at least theoretically possible.
In brief
Compromise on executive authority: In a rare win in the ongoing power struggle against the Republican-led General Assembly, Democratic N.C. Gov. Josh Stein has retained executive authority at the North Carolina State Fair this fall. Under compromise legislation adopted this week, Stein was named assistant weekday afternoon bingo caller at the annual fair in Raleigh. Among other perks, bingo caller status entitles him to a 10% discount on fried Cheerwine ice cream and two no-wait wristbands for the Zero Gravity thrill ride.
Pollen forecast prompts CMS closure: Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools canceled classes Monday after the National Weather Service placed western Cornelius on a “Light Pollen Warning Advisory Alert.” The school system operated on an Asynchronous B/D Day with optional teacher day-drinking.
New edict for Charlotte Catholic: The Vatican on Monday ordered Charlotte Catholic High School to launch an inquisition against Charlotte Country Day and Charlotte Latin infidels, who are accused of teaching unsanctioned Euclidean geometry. (Catholic News)
Bokhari under fire: The new deputy administrator of the Federal Transit Administration, Tariq Bokhari, is facing congressional criticism after accidentally including the editor of Urban Transport Magazine in a text chain in which he discussed sensitive procurement compliance audits of Oklahoma City’s bus system.
Beloved restaurant concept shuttered: Some restaurant you’ve never heard of in Fort Mill, or was it Kannapolis, sadly announced on social media that it is closing after 18 months, or was it 24 months. The owner opened it with high hopes that people would be interested in pizza, or was it Greek food. (Biz Journal, CharlotteFive, Axios Charlotte)
Entrepreneurial spirit: A millionaire Cornelius couple who make $250,000 a week selling artisanal air in mason jars has renovated an abandoned outhouse and rents it for $1,500 a night on VRBO. (Tiny Money)
Inactive empire expands: The Peebles Corp., the developer of the renowned vacant lot on Brooklyn Village Avenue, said it has been selected to be the inactive titleholder of Charlotte’s Gateway Station project. Owner Don Peebles VI also disclosed that his company is in negotiations to take a controlling but passive interest in the Dee-Dee Harris “pit” on Park Road. (Real Estate Whispers)
Charlotte tied for 1st in new study: Here’s some news to be over the moon about, Charlotte! A new study by WalletHub ranks the Queen City tied for 1st for “Cities with the Most Gravity.” That’s awesome for Charlotte, a city with no problems, conflicts or bad vibes! (CLT Today)
Good news for insomniacs: The Food and Drug Administration on Monday approved the off-label use of attempting to read the Charlotte Business Journal as a treatment for chronic insomnia. (N.C. Health News)
New Wells fine: The Securities and Exchange Commission announced a new $480M fine against Wells Fargo “just in case we missed anything.”
A very happy April Fools’ Day from your friends at The Charlotte Ledger. (Really, nothing in here today is real … yet)
➡️ Many thanks to a small band of hooligan friends of The Ledger for suggesting ideas and writing portions of today’s fake newsletter.
Related Ledger fake news April 1 editions:
“Big triplex plans for Myers Park” (April 1, 2021)
“The future of South End is underground” (April 1, 2022)
“Developer rolls the dice on massive uptown casino complex” (April 1, 2023)
“Major pickleball complex envisioned for empty office tower” (April 1, 2024)
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The pollen has been bad! Loved this!
Well done, Charlotte Ledger. Nobody was spared, not even competing news organizations!